Pray for Those Who Hurt You
Learning to Love Our Enemies Like Our Heavenly Father
“You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I say to you, love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you.”
—Matthew 5:43–44
Some teachings of Jesus comfort us immediately.
Others confront us before they comfort us.
“Love your enemies” may be one of the most difficult commands Jesus ever gave. It challenges our natural desire to defend ourselves, retaliate, demand justice, or withdraw our goodwill from anyone who has wounded us.
It is relatively easy to pray for people who love us.
It is much harder to pray for someone who has lied about us, rejected us, betrayed our trust, damaged our reputation, divided our family, or attempted to harm us.
Yet Jesus did not merely tell us to tolerate our enemies. He said:
Love them.
Bless them.
Do good to them.
Pray for them.
Jesus is not minimizing the wrong committed against us. He is teaching us how to prevent another person’s wrongdoing from taking control of our hearts.
Praying for someone who has hurt us does not declare that the injury was acceptable. It declares that the injury will not be permitted to transform us into the image of the person who caused it.
What Did Jesus Mean by an Enemy?
An enemy is not necessarily someone we personally hate.
It may be someone who has chosen to treat us as though we were an enemy.
An enemy may be someone who:
Speaks falsely about us
Damages our reputation
Rejects or shuns us
Betrays our confidence
Attempts to manipulate us
Holds a grudge against us
Turns family members or friends against us
Treats us with contempt
Takes advantage of our kindness
Wishes for our failure
Persecutes us because of our faith
Sometimes an enemy is a stranger.
Sometimes, painfully, an enemy is someone we once loved and trusted.
The wounds inflicted by strangers can be difficult, but the wounds caused by family members, former friends, spouses, church leaders, or fellow believers may penetrate much more deeply. We expected love from them, which makes their rejection especially painful.
Jesus understands this kind of betrayal. He was rejected by His own people, falsely accused by religious leaders, abandoned by friends, betrayed by Judas, denied by Peter, mocked by soldiers, and crucified by those He came to save.
When Jesus commands us to love our enemies, He is not speaking as someone unfamiliar with suffering.
He knows what it means to be wounded by the people He loved.
“You Have Heard That It Was Said”
Jesus began:
“You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’”
—Matthew 5:43
The Old Testament commanded God’s people to love their neighbors, but it did not command them to hate their personal enemies. That addition reflected a human tendency to reduce the circle of people we believe deserve love.
If we define only agreeable people as our neighbors, loving our neighbors becomes easy.
But Jesus removes that limitation.
He teaches that love cannot be restricted to those who treat us well. If our conduct is determined entirely by the conduct of others, then they—not Christ—are governing our character.
Jesus calls us to respond according to who our Father is, not merely according to what another person has done.
What Does It Mean to Love an Enemy?
Loving an enemy does not necessarily mean feeling affection for that person.
Biblical love is deeper than emotion. It is the decision to seek what is genuinely good and righteous, even for someone who has treated us wrongly.
We may not feel warm emotions toward the person who hurt us. Jesus does not command us to manufacture feelings or pretend that trust still exists.
He commands us to act according to love.
Loving an enemy may mean:
Refusing to retaliate
Telling the truth without hatred
Rejecting the temptation to slander
Praying for the person’s repentance
Desiring that the person be reconciled to God
Refusing to celebrate the person’s suffering
Offering appropriate kindness when wisdom permits
Leaving justice in God’s hands
Protecting our heart from bitterness
Maintaining necessary boundaries without seeking revenge
Love does not call evil good.
Love does not ignore destructive behavior.
Love does not prevent us from confronting wrongdoing, seeking protection, reporting a crime, or allowing lawful authorities to act.
True love desires repentance and transformation—not permission for someone to continue sinning.
Love Is Not the Same as Trust
One source of confusion is the belief that loving and forgiving someone requires us to trust that person immediately.
It does not.
Love may be offered because of the character of Christ within us. Trust, however, is developed through truthful and consistently trustworthy behavior.
If someone has repeatedly lied, manipulated, abused, or betrayed us, wisdom may require distance and boundaries.
We can love someone without giving that person unrestricted access to our life.
We can forgive someone without placing ourselves back into an unsafe situation.
We can pray for someone without pretending the relationship has been restored.
We can desire someone’s salvation while recognizing that continued contact may be harmful.
Jesus told His disciples to be:
“Wise as serpents and harmless as doves.”
—Matthew 10:16
Being harmless does not require being careless.
Grace and wisdom belong together.
Forgiveness Is Not the Same as Reconciliation
Forgiveness and reconciliation are related, but they are not identical.
Forgiveness is the decision to surrender personal vengeance to God. It releases our claim to retaliate and refuses to nourish hatred.
Reconciliation involves the restoration of a relationship. That normally requires truth, repentance, responsibility, and a willingness from both people to rebuild what was broken.
One person can choose forgiveness.
One person cannot produce reconciliation alone.
Paul wrote:
“If it is possible, as much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men.”
—Romans 12:18
The words “if it is possible” acknowledge that peace is not always within our control.
We can pursue peace without pretending that every relationship can be restored to what it once was.
We can keep our heart free from hatred even when another person refuses to acknowledge the truth.
We can forgive before trust has been rebuilt.
We can release revenge while still allowing consequences.
We can love from a safe distance when closeness would permit continued harm.
Why Must We Pray for Those Who Hurt Us?
Jesus specifically tells us:
“Pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you.”
—Matthew 5:44
Prayer changes the way we carry the injury.
When we continually rehearse an offense without bringing it to God, the wound can become part of our identity. We may begin viewing every conversation and relationship through the lens of what happened to us.
Prayer brings the offender and the offense into the presence of God.
It does not necessarily change our emotions immediately. It may not change the other person quickly—or at all.
But prayer begins changing what the injury is producing within us.
Prayer says:
“Father, You saw what happened.”
“You know what was said.”
“You understand what was taken from me.”
“You know the truth, even if others believe a lie.”
“I cannot change this person’s heart, but You can.”
“I surrender my demand for personal vengeance to You.”
“Protect me from becoming bitter.”
Prayer transfers the burden from our limited hands into the hands of the righteous Judge.
What Should We Pray?
Praying for an enemy does not mean asking God to reward evil or allow injustice to continue.
We can pray truthfully.
Pray for repentance
Ask God to reveal the person’s sin and lead that person to genuine repentance.
Pray for salvation
If the person does not know Christ, pray that he or she will encounter the mercy and truth of the gospel.
Pray for transformation
Ask God to change the attitudes, desires, and behavior that caused the harm.
Pray for truth to prevail
We may ask God to expose deception, correct false accusations, and bring hidden facts into the light.
Pray for justice
God is perfectly just. We may ask Him to intervene, protect the innocent, and restrain evil while leaving the method and timing to Him.
Pray for protection
Loving an enemy does not prohibit us from asking God to protect us, our family, our finances, our reputation, or others who might be harmed.
Pray for our own heart
Ask God to remove hatred, bitterness, pride, and the desire for revenge.
Pray for wisdom
Ask whether to speak, remain silent, establish a boundary, seek counsel, report wrongdoing, or take some other responsible action.
Pray for the ability to obey
Sometimes the most honest prayer is:
“Father, I do not yet feel love toward this person. Please help me obey Jesus while You heal my heart.”
God does not require us to hide our struggle. He invites us to bring it into His presence.
Jesus Prayed for His Enemies
Jesus demonstrated what He taught.
While being crucified, He prayed:
“Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they do.”
—Luke 23:34
Jesus did not deny that they were committing a terrible evil. His prayer itself acknowledged their need for forgiveness.
He did not call the crucifixion harmless.
He did not declare the injustice acceptable.
He entrusted His enemies to the Father while refusing to allow hatred to rule His heart.
This is the highest example of enemy-love.
Jesus prayed while the injury was occurring—not because the suffering was insignificant, but because His love was greater than the hatred directed toward Him.
Stephen Followed the Example of Jesus
Stephen, the first Christian martyr recorded in Acts, followed the same pattern.
While being stoned, he prayed:
“Lord, do not charge them with this sin.”
—Acts 7:60
One of the men connected with Stephen’s death was Saul of Tarsus.
At that moment, Saul appeared to be an enemy of Christ and His Church. Yet God later transformed him into the Apostle Paul.
Stephen could not see what God would eventually do in Saul’s life.
This reminds us that the person we consider unreachable may not be beyond God’s transforming power.
Our prayer does not guarantee that every enemy will repent. People can continue resisting God.
But we pray because we do not know what God may yet accomplish in a human heart.
“That You May Be Sons of Your Father”
Jesus continued:
“That you may be sons of your Father in heaven.”
—Matthew 5:45
Jesus was not teaching that we earn salvation by loving our enemies.
We are saved by God’s grace through faith in Jesus Christ.
The phrase describes family resemblance.
Children often display characteristics of their parents. When believers love people who mistreat them, they demonstrate something of the character of their heavenly Father.
Jesus explains:
“For He makes His sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust.”
—Matthew 5:45
God gives countless daily blessings even to people who reject Him.
They breathe His air.
They receive His sunlight.
They benefit from His rain.
They enjoy food, relationships, beauty, abilities, and opportunities made possible by His common grace.
This does not mean God approves of evil or that judgment will never come. It means His kindness is not limited to those who deserve it.
If God gave us only what we deserved, none of us could stand before Him.
When we show kindness to an enemy, we reflect the mercy we ourselves have received.
Loving Enemies Is Not Weakness
The world may view enemy-love as weakness.
In reality, retaliation is often easier than restraint.
It takes spiritual strength to remain truthful without becoming cruel.
It takes strength to establish a boundary without hatred.
It takes strength to refuse gossip when we possess information that could damage someone.
It takes strength to pray when we would rather retaliate.
It takes strength to place justice in God’s hands rather than becoming consumed by the desire to settle the account ourselves.
Meekness is not helplessness. It is strength placed under God’s control.
Loving an enemy does not mean surrendering to evil. It means refusing to let evil choose our response.
When the Hurt Comes From Family
Family wounds are especially difficult because family relationships carry deep expectations.
We naturally hope to be loved, respected, remembered, and treated honorably by those closest to us. When family members shun us, believe false accusations, withhold communication, or treat us with indifference, the pain can be profound.
Praying for them does not require us to pretend that their behavior does not hurt.
We can grieve honestly.
We can ask God to restore what has been broken.
We can communicate truthfully when an appropriate opportunity arises.
We can establish boundaries when necessary.
But we must be careful that rejection does not become bitterness and that another person’s dishonor does not cause us to act dishonorably.
Their response belongs to them.
Our response belongs to us.
We cannot force someone to understand, apologize, reconcile, or show respect. But through the Holy Spirit, we can choose what we will permit their behavior to produce within our hearts.
The Danger of Rehearsing the Offense
When we have been hurt deeply, the mind can replay the event repeatedly.
We remember what was said.
We imagine what we should have said.
We rehearse arguments that may never occur.
We try to understand how someone could behave that way.
We wonder what others have been told about us.
This mental rehearsal can feel like preparation or self-protection, but it often keeps the wound open.
There is a difference between processing an injury wisely and continually feeding resentment.
Processing seeks truth, healing, counsel, and appropriate action.
Rehearsing resentment repeatedly renews the emotional injury without moving toward healing.
When the memory returns, we can turn it into prayer:
“Father, this still hurts. I surrender this person and this memory to You again. Guard my heart, establish the truth, and help me respond like Jesus.”
Forgiveness may begin with one decision, but we may need to reaffirm that decision whenever the pain resurfaces.
Do Good to Those Who Hate You
Jesus also tells us to do good.
This does not always require a dramatic action. Doing good may mean refusing to return an insult, speaking truthfully about the person, responding civilly, or helping in an appropriate situation.
However, doing good must be guided by wisdom.
Kindness should not be used to conceal abuse, enable addiction, reward manipulation, or remove necessary consequences.
Sometimes the good a person needs is a truthful confrontation.
Sometimes it is a firm boundary.
Sometimes it is the involvement of family, church leadership, a counselor, law enforcement, or another proper authority.
Biblical love seeks what is genuinely good—not merely what temporarily avoids conflict.
Bless Those Who Curse You
To bless someone who curses us means that we refuse to answer evil with evil.
Paul expressed the same principle:
“Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse.”
—Romans 12:14
This does not mean that we must compliment dishonesty or speak as though a harmful person has behaved honorably.
It means we refuse to use our words as weapons of revenge.
We can tell the truth without exaggerating.
We can describe what happened without slandering.
We can seek help without conducting a campaign to destroy the other person.
We can defend ourselves without surrendering our character.
The words we speak about our enemies reveal whether their hatred has begun reproducing itself within us.
Leave Vengeance to God
Paul wrote:
“Beloved, do not avenge yourselves, but rather give place to wrath; for it is written, ‘Vengeance is Mine, I will repay,’ says the Lord.”
—Romans 12:19
Leaving vengeance to God does not mean that wrongdoing never matters.
It means that God is more qualified to judge than we are.
We see only part of the situation.
God knows every motive, action, lie, consequence, and hidden fact. His judgment is never distorted by incomplete information or uncontrolled emotion.
Entrusting justice to God frees us from making revenge our life’s mission.
We may still pursue lawful and appropriate remedies. We may correct false information, protect our resources, consult professionals, report crimes, or seek accountability.
But we do so for truth, protection, and justice—not because hatred has taken control of us.
The Connection to Our Recent Lessons
This teaching connects with the message of Colossians 3.
Paul told us to put off anger, wrath, malice, lying, and harmful speech. He told us to put on mercy, kindness, humility, meekness, patience, forgiveness, and love.
An enemy gives us the most difficult opportunity to practice those commands.
It is easy to put on kindness among people who appreciate us.
It is much harder when someone has treated us unjustly.
This teaching also connects with our lesson, “Let God Finish What He Started.”
We may desire to change another person’s heart, correct every false impression, repair every damaged relationship, or force justice to occur immediately.
But those outcomes belong to God.
Our responsibility is to pray, speak truth, obey Scripture, maintain wise boundaries, and keep our hearts surrendered.
God’s responsibility is to convict, expose, transform, judge, and determine the outcome.
We do what belongs to us and release what belongs to Him.
A Practical Way to Begin
If praying for someone who hurt you feels impossible, begin honestly.
1. Name the wound before God
Tell Him exactly what happened and how it affected you.
2. Acknowledge your emotions
Admit the anger, sadness, fear, humiliation, or desire for retaliation.
3. Ask God for protection and truth
Pray that evil will be restrained and truth will be established.
4. Release personal vengeance
Tell God that you are placing judgment into His hands.
5. Pray for repentance and salvation
Ask God to confront the person with truth and mercy.
6. Ask for a clean heart
Pray that bitterness will not become part of your character.
7. Seek wisdom about boundaries
Ask what love requires and what wisdom prohibits.
8. Repeat the prayer when necessary
Deep wounds may need to be surrendered many times.
You do not have to begin with warm feelings.
Begin with willing obedience.
Feelings may change gradually as God heals the heart.
A Prayer for Those Who Have Hurt Us
Heavenly Father, You know every wound I carry.
You saw what happened, heard what was said, and understand the parts of this situation that no one else knows. I do not need to convince You of the truth.
I confess that I have felt anger, sadness, rejection, and the desire to defend myself. At times, I have replayed the offense and allowed it to occupy too much of my heart.
Jesus commanded me to love my enemies and pray for those who spitefully use me. I cannot obey this command through my natural strength alone.
By the power of the Holy Spirit, help me surrender this person to You.
Where there is deception, bring truth into the light.
Where there is sin, bring conviction and repentance.
Where there is danger, provide protection.
Where justice is needed, act according to Your perfect wisdom.
Where reconciliation is possible, prepare both hearts for honesty, humility, and change.
Where distance is necessary, give me courage to maintain wise boundaries without hatred.
Please do not allow another person’s wrongdoing to produce bitterness, malice, or revenge within me. Help me forgive as I have been forgiven while remembering that forgiveness does not require me to deny the truth.
I pray for the person who hurt me. Draw that person to Jesus. Replace deception with truth, pride with humility, hatred with love, and rebellion with repentance.
Heal the places in me that remain wounded. Restore my peace, guard my thoughts, and help me reflect my heavenly Father's character.
I release what I cannot change into Your hands.
In Jesus’ name, amen.
A Final Question
Is there someone whose actions continue to control your thoughts, emotions, and peace?
Jesus is not asking you to call evil good.
He is not commanding you to trust an untrustworthy person.
He is not requiring you to remain in danger or remove necessary boundaries.
He is asking you to surrender your right to personal vengeance and place that person in God's hands.
Pray for truth.
Pray for protection.
Pray for repentance.
Pray for justice.
Pray for transformation.
And pray that the person who hurt you will not be permitted to determine the kind of person you become.
Loving our enemies does not mean that their actions no longer matter.
It means that Jesus matters more.
Pray for those who hurt you—not because the wound was insignificant, but because your heart is too valuable to surrender to bitterness.
